This morning I woke up after having a rather disturbing dream. In my dream I accidentally stumbled upon the fact that my wonderful husband of 30 years has never loved me. Apparently, he kept waiting for the feeling to hit him and it never has. So all these years he has been acting as if he had loved me so if he did start loving I would be never need to know that there was a delay in his affections. In my dream the whole conversation was quite calm and reasonable. I planned to check into a motel and leave the life I previously believed was incredibly happy.
I left everything behind, even my Kitchen Aid mixer! When family and friends asked why our seemingly "perfect" marriage ended I honestly told people I could not explain it to them if I did not understand it myself. When my daughters asked me if their father really loved them I simply said..."He would be a fool not to." In my heart I deeply hoped that he at least loved our two incredibly precious daughters. Unfortunately, I could not assure them of anything more because obviously I could not accurately read his true feelings.
Fortunately, I woke up from this dream just as my beloved husband was getting ready for work. I told him about it and added that, in my dream, the only emotion he showed was when he asked me which car I was taking.
Of all of the things I could have imagined he would say in response, his answer surprised me. He asked "What happened to Tiki", our cat.
He did not profess his unending love for me. He did not sweep me off my feet and give me a long wet sloppy kiss. He merely went about his normal early morning routine of getting dressed, our customary early morning goodbye, and then quietly hobbled out of the bedroom because the joint on his big toe is bothering him.
While laying here in the darkness of our room listening to the quiet gentleness of the pre-dawn, I am overcome by the pure love that permeates the soul in a way that transcends earthly understanding. It is so peaceful knowing that the love that lives so deeply in our hearts surrounds and protects my sleeping daughters and even our precious cat.
Remembering back to the early days of our new found relationship helps me keep my dream in perspective. My husband did tell me he loved me but I could immediately tell it was very difficult for him to express it in words. But that did not lessen the intensity of the feeling. As time went on and I giddily would have the words "I love you" easily slide off my tongue. He found the verbal expression more difficult. He was able to express that "saying it" does not come as easily or as naturally to him but he feels it deeply. We agreed that there would be times he would be "obligated" to say it - such as - the "Good morning I love you", the "Good night I love you", and the "Good bye I love you." I also said that there would be other times that I may need an extra "I love you hug". Otherwise he did not need to arbitrarily say it every time I said it. It was enough for me to know he felt it.
So today I began pondering the question "How do I KNOW I am loved?"
I am content realizing that a person never really "knows" if they are loved intensely. I do know that I love him intensely and therefore I believe that all of the loving things my husband does for me; all the times he makes me smile; every time he makes me laugh when I want to cry; understands when I really need to cry; supports me in pursuing my dreams; crawls thru the mud of life's financial, medical, and emotional challenges; nurtures and encourages my daughters in all that they do; inspires me to be a better person; every moment, whether together or apart, leads me to trust that he loves me too.
I realize that what humans "know" is a changing landscape. Centuries ago multitudes of people would have confidently said "I know the world is flat". In my lifetime people have said they "know that an Aids diagnosis is a death sentence". Imagine what will we know tomorrow?
So I happily begin my day TRUSTING that I am loved even if I may never KNOW I am loved until I see God face to face.
I left everything behind, even my Kitchen Aid mixer! When family and friends asked why our seemingly "perfect" marriage ended I honestly told people I could not explain it to them if I did not understand it myself. When my daughters asked me if their father really loved them I simply said..."He would be a fool not to." In my heart I deeply hoped that he at least loved our two incredibly precious daughters. Unfortunately, I could not assure them of anything more because obviously I could not accurately read his true feelings.
Fortunately, I woke up from this dream just as my beloved husband was getting ready for work. I told him about it and added that, in my dream, the only emotion he showed was when he asked me which car I was taking.
Of all of the things I could have imagined he would say in response, his answer surprised me. He asked "What happened to Tiki", our cat.
He did not profess his unending love for me. He did not sweep me off my feet and give me a long wet sloppy kiss. He merely went about his normal early morning routine of getting dressed, our customary early morning goodbye, and then quietly hobbled out of the bedroom because the joint on his big toe is bothering him.
While laying here in the darkness of our room listening to the quiet gentleness of the pre-dawn, I am overcome by the pure love that permeates the soul in a way that transcends earthly understanding. It is so peaceful knowing that the love that lives so deeply in our hearts surrounds and protects my sleeping daughters and even our precious cat.
Remembering back to the early days of our new found relationship helps me keep my dream in perspective. My husband did tell me he loved me but I could immediately tell it was very difficult for him to express it in words. But that did not lessen the intensity of the feeling. As time went on and I giddily would have the words "I love you" easily slide off my tongue. He found the verbal expression more difficult. He was able to express that "saying it" does not come as easily or as naturally to him but he feels it deeply. We agreed that there would be times he would be "obligated" to say it - such as - the "Good morning I love you", the "Good night I love you", and the "Good bye I love you." I also said that there would be other times that I may need an extra "I love you hug". Otherwise he did not need to arbitrarily say it every time I said it. It was enough for me to know he felt it.
So today I began pondering the question "How do I KNOW I am loved?"
I am content realizing that a person never really "knows" if they are loved intensely. I do know that I love him intensely and therefore I believe that all of the loving things my husband does for me; all the times he makes me smile; every time he makes me laugh when I want to cry; understands when I really need to cry; supports me in pursuing my dreams; crawls thru the mud of life's financial, medical, and emotional challenges; nurtures and encourages my daughters in all that they do; inspires me to be a better person; every moment, whether together or apart, leads me to trust that he loves me too.
I realize that what humans "know" is a changing landscape. Centuries ago multitudes of people would have confidently said "I know the world is flat". In my lifetime people have said they "know that an Aids diagnosis is a death sentence". Imagine what will we know tomorrow?
So I happily begin my day TRUSTING that I am loved even if I may never KNOW I am loved until I see God face to face.
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